This weather is totally reminding me of camp. Those colder days when I got to wear a sweatshirt and huddle with my friends. I lived for those days. We would use any excuse not to play leagues (if you don’t know what leagues are Google sleep away camp ASAP). Those rainy days where my best friends and I would watch movies, get soaked wearing ponchos, talk to cute boys, attempt to sit next to said boys in movies, and giggle after holding hands with our new “boyfriends.”
As I make my way through “Women Food and God” I find myself retracing my steps, so to speak. Attempting to get to the very beginning. The day I decided that I couldn’t handle life without overeating. Geneen Roth talks about finding a time when you weren’t worried about anything, when being alive was enough. I was a fairly high strung child, so it’s safe to say I’m having trouble getting back to a time when I was happy just to be. A few moments come to mind and most of them take place in the middle of the Poconos, listening to Dave Matthews Band or Carole King, just laying in the dark with my best friends. In those snippets of time, I was me; someone who loves her best friends deeply, lives to laugh and hear others laugh in return, and was constantly curious.
Sometimes I miss that person. The old “me.” Don’t get me wrong, I still love my besties and try to laugh as much as possible everyday, but in other ways I’ve become hardened. I’ve lost friendships, many due to my behavior and many due to no fault of my own. I’m less trusting of people and I’m far more self-conscious than I was in those years. The funny part of it all is, none of it is real. My worries, the negative thoughts…NOT REAL. If only I could remember that when I find myself drowning my anxiety with Eggplant Parm or some greasy Chinese food. Actually, there is a way. Sitting with the anxiety. Feeling anxious and then letting it pass. When the feeling is no longer scary we no longer feel the need to try and run from it. Simple (and complicated) as that. I’m sure I’ve said some of this before on the blog before in one form or another. I haven’t gotten to the “coping” section of the book before, but I’ll be sure to share more insights. Just reading (and blogging) about my fears make them less scary.
Reading other people’s blogs and hearing their stories has been the most amazing experience of my life. I’m so grateful for all the brave women out there who share their stories. I know I have several readers just waiting for the day I post that I’ve lost 10,15,20,30 pounds and trust me I hear ya. I’m waiting for that day as well. More importantly, I’m waiting for the day when I blog funny stuff that’s happened to me, delicious meals I made or tried, and didn’t feel out of control around food. That will be the real victory, my friends.
Phew, that was a lot more than I had planned to say. In other news, it’s my half birthday. I’m officially halfway to 27…cue the major freakout. In honor of my birthday I’m giving myself Andy Cohen’s Mazel of the Week (graphic courtesy of Ash).