Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Ask A Dude: Blog Borrowed

I’m reblogging this from my blog crush.  Fantastic advice.  My girlfriends know how I feel about games and pretending to be the “cool girl” who doesn’t care.  It never works!

Anonymous asked: I'm a girl but you remind me alot of me. You also remind me alot of the man I have fallen for. People like us are probably not the type of person anyone of intelligence would get in a relationship with, but as Mae West said, "A woman in love can't be reasonable--or she probably wouldn't be in love." So here it is, over a year of being on/off casually with this man (meanwhile going on a million first dates) I feel like I've reached an impasse (that's an exaggeration, I could keep doing this a while): I want to stop pretending not to care, I want to lay it on the line, tear down the facade and either make it happen or friend zone him because the way he makes me feel is totally messing with my game.
I want your advise. How would you, tell someone like you, that you want to throw your player card in and just be together for a while? What if this ruins it for me/him?

Let me counter by saying people like “us” probably wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who isn’t of intelligence- perhaps a catch-22- but I happen to think we’re magnificent people to be in a relationship with, provided that we’re ready and want to be, which it sounds to me like you are.

So you’ve fallen for a friend. Maybe friend doesn’t seem like the category you would put them in, as there is obviously some romantic, or at least physical nature to the relationship, those “benefits” of which they speak, but if he’s not your man, a friend is what he is. But now you’re in love with him. Because that, darling, that feeling of having to “pretend not to care”, of thinking about him more than any other, of his being to where your mind wanders- that’s love.

But do you tell him? Lord knows you’ve had the conversation in your head a thousand times. Where you come clean about how you feel about him, how he makes you feel about yourself, how you want to be with him, always, at least just to see how this all pans out. Yet when you’re around him, you never do. Why? Because you’re afraid. Afraid he won’t feel the same, that your confession will somehow make things awkward. As it is now you get to spend time with him, and that makes you happy, so you don’t want to screw that up, right….


….Why? Because you’re not happy spending time with him. I mean you are, when you’re actually with him, but the rest of the time that shit’s eating you up inside. You’re thinking about him, about who he might be with, about how you’d rather be with him than be alone. And you’re absolutely right that it’s messing with your game. Those million first dates? They’re not going much further than that because of him. Because you’re in love with someone else. Even if you do find one you kind of like, it’s only a matter of time before they realize there’s something holding you back. Hell, most of them probably sense it from the get go. We men may be idiots, but we’re not stupid. Thus, you’re trapped.

And the fucked up thing is, as you admitted yourself, you’ll probably let this go on forever. All on the chance that he’ll come around, that he’ll eventually tell you he feels the same way. Your friends have likely told you that you should move on, that you should find someone who “really appreciates you” because it’s “what you deserve.” You may have even set deadlines in your own head- if it hasn’t become more by such and such a time, you’re going to move on- but you never do. Because you want him, and you know, in your heart of hearts, that he’s special.

So tell him. Because he already knows. At least a little anyways. If you’ve been on/off for a year, he knows you’re attracted to him, and there must be some sort of reciprocation on his end. First off, it’s going to get it off of your chest, and that’s going to feel great. No more rehearsing the conversation you never have, no more bottling it all up inside. Best case scenario, he tells you he feels the same way, or that he’s at least willing to give it a shot. Boom, all worth while. Worst case scenario, he tells you he doesn’t, and won’t ever feel the same, and while that is going to make you feel all kinds of awful for awhile, at least you’ll know, and you won’t be stringing yourself along anymore. Midground, you tell him how you feel, he pulls the “I love spending time with you but I’m really not ready to settle down” card, and you’re right back where you began. Only now it’s off your chest- and you’re a little more likely to call back some of those first dates late at night.

The next time you’re with him, and maybe you’ve had a few drinks, look him right in the eyes and tell him. Tell him you’re willing- and want- to give it all up and be just with him. That you’ve looked and looked, and there’s no one else that makes you feel this way, that you’re ready to be in love, and you want it be with him. Then kiss him. (You’re a girl, so you can totally get away with that.)

I’m fascinated to know how this one goes, I’ll even let the advise/advise error slide. Good luck, and do keep me updated.

What do you guys think about John’s advice?  Click here for his full response. 

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